Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
