Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
