I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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