my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
