I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
