there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
