I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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