dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
