It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
