The maid of honor just puked.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I want a musical about memes.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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