This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
