party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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