The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
