his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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