dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
