apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
