i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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