Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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