I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
