I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
