gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I am mentally ready for anal.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
