you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
