Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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