y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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