I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
