We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
