I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
