She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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