there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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