Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can I color on your dick again?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
