i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
