She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
