woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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