ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
