whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
