NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
