It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
