Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
