I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i came on her dog
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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