You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
