Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
