I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
there is glitter all over my balls
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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