Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
