she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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