The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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