I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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