i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
