I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
