she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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