this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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