My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
